Dr. Laura Secret #4,
Delayed Gratificat
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This next tip I'm going to give you about a key to successful parenting is one that I haven't heard discussed too often, but I happened to have somebody ask me my thoughts on this subject just a couple of weeks ago. I think this person was talking about an older child, but they said “do you think that there's a problem with delayed gratification?” Now, it's not a term we typically throw around a lot and certainly not in parenting circles, but I stopped and I thought about it because I had already given thought to the concept. But in formalizing it, delayed gratification is a very important skill that we all need to learn.
Some examples of delayed gratification in adulthood are, you want something but you wait until you earn the money to go buy it. Or you need a break, but you wait until you have vacation days before doing it instead of just calling in sick to work. The problem is that when we back that concept up into childhood and our job as parents in terms of teaching our children, it's difficult to be remember age appropriateness. And I think if we look back in infancy it's easy to see.
A very common is problem figuring out what is normal and to be expected in infancy. We sometimes, as parents, forget that our children outgrow as they get older. And we certainly do not expect a newborn to have any sort of sense of delayed gratification. If they're hungry you need to feed them. When it's time for them to sleep they go to sleep and it doesn't matter where they are. They're not on anyone else's time schedule but their own and that's perfectly appropriate.
If you think now about a one year old or a two year old, sometimes we see those children as being challenging because at this time they're very demanding and they know more about what they want. And by the time when they're getting to be two they certainly can articulate what it is that they want. Getting them to just be a little patient is one of the typical parenting challenges for dealing with two year olds. You want to try to get your child to learn a little bit of a sense of being patient, but telling a two year old to wait until next month doesn't make a lot of sense. Their sense of time doesn't work that way. They certainly can’t be expected to have that degree of patience. If you think about time outs, having a two year old take a time out when they get home from daycare because they had a bad day at school makes no sense developmentally. A time out needs to be given in the same time period. If you’re going to be using a time out, it shouldn't be more than a minute per year of age at most because otherwise it's too long of a time for a child to wait.
However, you move on to the elementary age child or the tween or teenager. And if you forget to teach your child some sense of delayed gratification, they're going to want to buy the latest greatest thing the minute it comes out. They're going to expect you to jump when they need to be dropped off and picked up, as opposed to starting to learn how they fit into the bigger world schedule and your schedule. They also are going to now be perceived as rude because our society and culture tells us that if it's all about you and you don't have any sense of thinking about other people or waiting your turn or all of those important life skills that really are all tied in to having a sense of delayed gratification, then you are considered rude. You want your child to be able to put off something that they’re looking forward to or that they really want, because then he/she is going to have those key life skills that we all want our kids to have.
And that's why teaching your child gradually at an age appropriate level a sense of delayed gratification. You can do this by having your six month old wait a couple of minutes for you to finish your shower before you run off to go feed them, or having your two year old wait a few minutes, or having your tween or teenager wait until they've earned the money to buy something as opposed to just being given the thing. Those things will all serve them very well and it will help you be a successful parent.
Some examples of delayed gratification in adulthood are, you want something but you wait until you earn the money to go buy it. Or you need a break, but you wait until you have vacation days before doing it instead of just calling in sick to work. The problem is that when we back that concept up into childhood and our job as parents in terms of teaching our children, it's difficult to be remember age appropriateness. And I think if we look back in infancy it's easy to see.
A very common is problem figuring out what is normal and to be expected in infancy. We sometimes, as parents, forget that our children outgrow as they get older. And we certainly do not expect a newborn to have any sort of sense of delayed gratification. If they're hungry you need to feed them. When it's time for them to sleep they go to sleep and it doesn't matter where they are. They're not on anyone else's time schedule but their own and that's perfectly appropriate.
If you think now about a one year old or a two year old, sometimes we see those children as being challenging because at this time they're very demanding and they know more about what they want. And by the time when they're getting to be two they certainly can articulate what it is that they want. Getting them to just be a little patient is one of the typical parenting challenges for dealing with two year olds. You want to try to get your child to learn a little bit of a sense of being patient, but telling a two year old to wait until next month doesn't make a lot of sense. Their sense of time doesn't work that way. They certainly can’t be expected to have that degree of patience. If you think about time outs, having a two year old take a time out when they get home from daycare because they had a bad day at school makes no sense developmentally. A time out needs to be given in the same time period. If you’re going to be using a time out, it shouldn't be more than a minute per year of age at most because otherwise it's too long of a time for a child to wait.
However, you move on to the elementary age child or the tween or teenager. And if you forget to teach your child some sense of delayed gratification, they're going to want to buy the latest greatest thing the minute it comes out. They're going to expect you to jump when they need to be dropped off and picked up, as opposed to starting to learn how they fit into the bigger world schedule and your schedule. They also are going to now be perceived as rude because our society and culture tells us that if it's all about you and you don't have any sense of thinking about other people or waiting your turn or all of those important life skills that really are all tied in to having a sense of delayed gratification, then you are considered rude. You want your child to be able to put off something that they’re looking forward to or that they really want, because then he/she is going to have those key life skills that we all want our kids to have.
And that's why teaching your child gradually at an age appropriate level a sense of delayed gratification. You can do this by having your six month old wait a couple of minutes for you to finish your shower before you run off to go feed them, or having your two year old wait a few minutes, or having your tween or teenager wait until they've earned the money to buy something as opposed to just being given the thing. Those things will all serve them very well and it will help you be a successful parent.
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