Alt Text: Chinese Hackers Are Responsible for Everything Wrong

Alt Text: Chinese Hackers Are Responsible for Everything Wrong With My Life

• BY LORE SJÖBERG
• 02.11.13
• 6:30 AM

Photo: Stéfan/Flickr

Government agencies and companies both public and private are lining up to confess that their security has been breached by Chinese hackers. This is astonishing, not only because of the breadth and depth of the hackers’ break-ins, but also because they were apparently able to do it without the aid of Guy Fawkes masks. Authorities are understandably concerned. Authorities are always concerned, and usually understandably so. That’s kind of what makes them authorities. Nobody ever says “Authorities are inexplicably relaxed.” But in this case they’re especially concerned and it’s particularlyunderstandable.

Part of what makes this ongoing series of attacks so concerning in a fully understandable way is that nobody’s safe. In fact, pretty much any lapse in security — pretty much any lapse even vaguely computer-related — could be explained as the result of Chinese hackers, even if it’s not actually…. Hmm.

I have a confession. My security, my personal security, has also been breached by Chinese hackers.

For instance, last week when a bunch of my friends and I were going to see The Hobbit and I showed up late with the tickets and we missed the trailer for Star Trek and also some of The Hobbit? It turns out Chinese hackers got into my GPS and sent me to a strip club for three hours, which is why I was late. Darn those Chinese hackers!

Also, to my editors: This article is coming in after deadline because Chinese hackers got into my first draft and replaced it with something Chinese. Like … xiangqi? That’s a thing, right? So I had to write it again.

Also, to my readers: The first draft was much funnier than this.

Other things that Chinese hackers have been responsible for: My lack of car insurance, approximately 80 percent of the videos and images downloaded to my hard drive — including all those in the “Very Boring and Non-Sexual Documents” folder — the lopsided nature of my beard, that smell coming from behind the fridge, whatever I said last Friday around 1:30 a.m., whatever I did last Friday around 2:30 a.m., and basically anything in my life involving cat urine.

Finally, as I will shortly be explaining to my creditors, Chinese hackers got into my Amazon account and had a wide-screen TV, a Wii U, and three cases of Diet Grape Faygo delivered to my house. And I get the distinct feeling that they’ll soon be sending me — completely against my will — one of those 128GB iPads. And an Adventure Time case for it. Why are Chinese hackers forcing all of these unnervingly fun things upon me? Presumably it’s part of some grand scheme to control something. You should go check them out. In China. Not at my house.

I hope you are all as appalled as me at the audacity and/or moxie of these hackers from China. Clearly we will not be able to rest easy, or even jog easy, until they are found and brought to justice. Until then, this looks to be the worst breach of security since 2002 when that virus bought me a motorcycle.

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Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a TIRELESS WORKER FOR THE GLORIOUS WILL OF THE PEOPLE.