10 weirdest things you can buy on Amazon RIGHT NOW
The most bizarre items you can currently purchase at the internet's biggest shop.
The thing about Christmas shopping in the modern age, is that as often as not it can take place on the new fangled interwebby-netline-cybercreche-space. And the thing about this, is that it's easy to get sidetracked and find yourself down Freak Alley deep in the Bizzaro district of Weird Town.
Take Amazon for instance. One minute you're just browsing through some DVDs that your Mum might be interested in and all of a sudden you're reading a reviews of how well a small plastic dog humps the side of your computer.
For a little less weird and infinitely more useful Christmas gift ideas (plus amazing discounts that we've secured) check out:
10 . Ass-cigarette-donkey
First up on the bizarre Amazon stuff that you can actually buy right now for yourself, your friends, your loved/hated ones is of course the donkey that spits cigarettes out of its ass when you bend it’s ears.
It brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘smokin’ piece of ass’.
We feel that this item is a natural bedfellow of the USB humping dog - a dog which connects to your USB port and then f!cks the side of your computer. The Ass-cigarette-donkey just pipped it to the numer 10 slot, however, because it actually does something (holds cigarettes and dispenses them) where as the USB humping dog just f*cks your computer.
Not that that isn’t amazing.
9 . Crispy Pig skin in chocolate
Wait for it, wait for it, these are called Pork Chocs (™). They’re crunchy pork rinds dipped in chocolate and according to the blurb ‘1 bite will make ya’ll squeal with delight!' (also ™). Let’s move on.
8 . Bacon plasters
There’s something really wrong about putting something that looks like raw bacon across a bodily wound. Which is why these are so fun.
Reviewers say they’re so excited by using them that they feel a bit sad when their cuts heal up, and wait expectantly for the next injury so they can slather bacon upon it once more. One’s even considering getting a bacon tatoo so he doesn’t have to live injury to injury for his bacon wearing fix.
7 . Penis soap
The official name is Weener Kleener Soap. I think you can guess how it works. One reviewer on Amazon identifies a potential hazard with this item that we feel’s important to relay to you;
“Worked great until I tried it down at the river, where I dropped it on the sandbar and it promptly morphed into a new product: Weener Kleener with Scrubbing Pumice. I guess all the sand is what caused it to get stuck and I have yet to get it off. I had to go to work today and I have told my curious co-workers that it was either a donut or a giant lifesaver in my pocket. I don't think anyone believed me.” FreeStateRacer
Of course another problem could be if the soap was too small for cleaning the body part it was designed for. Thankfully it just so happens that the next item is designed to help anybody with that problem...
6 . How to live with a huge penis
This book is written for men who suffer from the condition ‘Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG)’. According to the author ‘Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG’. Love it.
These are some of the areas the book addresses;
- Unzipping: Coming Out to Your Friends and Family
- Sharing Your Pain: Sexual Intercourse with a Huge Penis
- Big Blessings: Unexpected Advantages of a Huge Penis
- and much, much more
This makes a great gift for male friends of all shape and sizes, or even for yourself if you’re male, so you can read it somewhere very public, campus at lunch, or Friday night at the pub for instance..
5 . Tuscan Whole Milk
Tuscan Whole Milk has achieved almost mythical status since it appeared for sale on Amazon. Reading through the 1273 comments on the milk is like a hallucinagenic trip through a Monty Python - Alice in Wonderland style alternative reality where Tuscan Whole Milk has replaced Scientology as the alt. religion of choice.
There are people claiming it saved their lives, masses of poems and ode’s to Tuscan whole Milk, someone claiming that it’s a new type of food and another that it made them ‘see infinity’.
Cult milk doesn’t even begin to describe the Tucson Whole Milk phenomenon. In the words of one reviewer ‘Chateau du Lait Blanc, watch out!’.
4 . Steering wheel desk
You know when you're driving your car, and it kind of get's a bit boring and you think about all the other stuff you could be getting on with rather than just sitting there, pointing the car in the direction you want to go, indicating, accelerating, breaking etc.?
Well now you can get on with the whatever you need to with the steering wheel desk. It has plenty of room for a lap top, a large book or even a roast dinner, so you'll arrive at your destination with plenty of things done. Another succesful steering wheel desk journey!
One reviewer even uses it as mini bar when driving to town for a night out, where he can 'fix up shots of tequila for himself and his friends'.
We think this review sums up the amazing utility of this product though;
"You wouldn't believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window! I'm using it right now to post this review and I never" Michael McCollough
3 . Wolf urine
Superb. An absolute load of wolf urine sent to your door. Yes, the shipping from the states is going to cost a bit, but it really is much easier than the alternative method - actually getting it directly from the wolf. Wolves are very protective of their urine, and will guard a fellow weeing wolf to the death. Stick with Amazon for all your wolf urine needs, we say.
2 . Uranium ore
Just cruizin’ around Amazon, armed with my one click purchase functionality, got some shot gun shopping in mind - an item I don’t need, perhaps, jus’ somethin’ I fancy...‘click!’ it’s purchased!
Allll-riiiight... I’ve got me a tin of uranium ore. Hang on. Uranium ore? Isn’t that the stuff that rogue terrorist states, genocidal maniacs or high-camp Bond villains are always after?
Well, according to a physics forum on the internet the radioactivity is so low from this stuff that you could probably do more damage hitting yourself over the head with the tin. And stuff in forums on the web is always true, right?
Still, pretty cool to be a uranium ore owner, even if you can't take over the world with it.
1 . Toilet throne
At number one we have this incredible speciality number two device.
Just look at this baby. You could own one of these right now. Sort out a special delivery and perhaps even be sat upon this dream dunny this time tomorrow.
It's made from solid ash. It plays a regal tune when you lift the lid. It has a candle holder. It has an ashtray. It's beautiful.
Imagine sitting on your throne, blowing smoke through the candle light thinking to yourself 'this is my kingdom. Here I am master. Here I sit, a noble king, upon my awesome toilet throne.'
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