Secret #8 from Dr. Laura, Pick Your Battles
One of the most important keys to successful parenting is to pick your battles and pick them wisely. I know that is a very cliché thing to say, but I like to say it anyways because I believe it. When it comes to picking battles, the basic premise is, ideally, you'd like to not have battles with your child. You're on the same team and you want to be supportive. But there are going to be times when you need to draw a line in the sand. Stake your claim to something and stick with it.
I like to give parents a frame of reference for what those important issues are. When do you pick your battles and what battles are worth fighting? In general, they're health and safety related. So that's – it should be a no-brainer. It's not always, but it usually is. An example I use often is if your child, when they're two, needs to take the bubble gum medicine. Many of you may be familiar with it, but antibiotics routinely used for treating ear infections often are the bubblegum flavored medicine. And if your child decides they really love that flavor of bubblegum medicine and they want more, that's a battle worth fighting because you're not going to give your child more. You can't give them more antibiotics because you know it's a medication and it's important to just give as much as prescribed.
The bubblegum medicine example is obviously a no-brainer. Other issues might be more questionable. But you should apply that same resolve to the more questionable situations, because if you do, you'll find that you've really got a good way of picking your battles. One example of when parents sometimes don't enforce things that they really do need to enforce would be the battle over whether or not your child needs to be in a car seat. There is the question of whether your child is old enough to get out of a booster seat, or even whether a seat belt needs to be worn. We know that car seats, booster seats, wearing a lap shoulder belt each and every time your child's in the car is one of the single most important things you can do to keep your child safe. And when it comes to a battle of safety, you need to stand firm. In fact, even early in childhood make it a point to teach your child that the car simply doesn't start until every one's seat belt is buckled. And getting back to the parenting by example, that means that you need to have your seat belt on as well.
There may come the time when your child looks around and sees that there are kids who are getting out of their booster seats and who don't fit well in the lap shoulder belt alone. Their parents have lost that battle. Don't let your child convince you that they're going to be a social outcast and that it's embarrassing or that they don't want to sit in it anymore because that is going to put them at risk. Stand firm, and use health and safety as your filter. If it's cold outside they need to wear a coat, especially when we're talking ten degrees with a wind chill below zero, don't fight a battle. It is what it is.
And if your child decides to pick a battle with you, know that you need to win that one. If it's which coat your child wears or if it's 60 and you're a little chilly, but you think they should be wearing long sleeves instead of short sleeves, that's a different story. But when it comes to dangerously cold, when it comes to wearing a bike helmet when they ride their bike, when it comes to whether or not they can have more bubblegum medicine, pick those battles. Pick them well.
The other one I want to add to the list before closing off this topic is to just say childhood obesity has gotten to be where it is now and has become such a big problem in part because we haven't always picked battles with our children when it comes to food. We want the family meal to be enjoyable. We often resort to preparing whatever our children want because they decide they don't like something that we've served. And in the long run, we end up letting our children dictate what it is they eat, oftentimes letting them choose all sorts of unhealthy things.
I would suggest that while you're looking at how you're going to pick your battles in parenthood, include your child's nutrition on that list. It doesn't mean that every cookie or every piece of candy is going to be a battle , but make sure you do have some rules set in place so that you're teaching your child the right nutrition. You want them to know that they're not having fries on the way home from the fast food restaurant every day, or that you may go buy some baked fries with no transfats and low saturated fat rather than buying the greasiest fry you can find on your drive home. Nutrition is just as important to your child's health and safety as the car seats, the bike helmets and appropriate dosing of medication.
Other than that, if your child chooses to wear striped shirts with plaid pants or whatever other combination of colors and patterns that may not be quite up to your standards, that’s okay. As long as it's not inappropriate, unsafe or unhealthy, then let your child exert some independence and have a much less stressful and confrontational parenthood.
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I like to give parents a frame of reference for what those important issues are. When do you pick your battles and what battles are worth fighting? In general, they're health and safety related. So that's – it should be a no-brainer. It's not always, but it usually is. An example I use often is if your child, when they're two, needs to take the bubble gum medicine. Many of you may be familiar with it, but antibiotics routinely used for treating ear infections often are the bubblegum flavored medicine. And if your child decides they really love that flavor of bubblegum medicine and they want more, that's a battle worth fighting because you're not going to give your child more. You can't give them more antibiotics because you know it's a medication and it's important to just give as much as prescribed.
The bubblegum medicine example is obviously a no-brainer. Other issues might be more questionable. But you should apply that same resolve to the more questionable situations, because if you do, you'll find that you've really got a good way of picking your battles. One example of when parents sometimes don't enforce things that they really do need to enforce would be the battle over whether or not your child needs to be in a car seat. There is the question of whether your child is old enough to get out of a booster seat, or even whether a seat belt needs to be worn. We know that car seats, booster seats, wearing a lap shoulder belt each and every time your child's in the car is one of the single most important things you can do to keep your child safe. And when it comes to a battle of safety, you need to stand firm. In fact, even early in childhood make it a point to teach your child that the car simply doesn't start until every one's seat belt is buckled. And getting back to the parenting by example, that means that you need to have your seat belt on as well.
There may come the time when your child looks around and sees that there are kids who are getting out of their booster seats and who don't fit well in the lap shoulder belt alone. Their parents have lost that battle. Don't let your child convince you that they're going to be a social outcast and that it's embarrassing or that they don't want to sit in it anymore because that is going to put them at risk. Stand firm, and use health and safety as your filter. If it's cold outside they need to wear a coat, especially when we're talking ten degrees with a wind chill below zero, don't fight a battle. It is what it is.
And if your child decides to pick a battle with you, know that you need to win that one. If it's which coat your child wears or if it's 60 and you're a little chilly, but you think they should be wearing long sleeves instead of short sleeves, that's a different story. But when it comes to dangerously cold, when it comes to wearing a bike helmet when they ride their bike, when it comes to whether or not they can have more bubblegum medicine, pick those battles. Pick them well.
The other one I want to add to the list before closing off this topic is to just say childhood obesity has gotten to be where it is now and has become such a big problem in part because we haven't always picked battles with our children when it comes to food. We want the family meal to be enjoyable. We often resort to preparing whatever our children want because they decide they don't like something that we've served. And in the long run, we end up letting our children dictate what it is they eat, oftentimes letting them choose all sorts of unhealthy things.
I would suggest that while you're looking at how you're going to pick your battles in parenthood, include your child's nutrition on that list. It doesn't mean that every cookie or every piece of candy is going to be a battle , but make sure you do have some rules set in place so that you're teaching your child the right nutrition. You want them to know that they're not having fries on the way home from the fast food restaurant every day, or that you may go buy some baked fries with no transfats and low saturated fat rather than buying the greasiest fry you can find on your drive home. Nutrition is just as important to your child's health and safety as the car seats, the bike helmets and appropriate dosing of medication.
Other than that, if your child chooses to wear striped shirts with plaid pants or whatever other combination of colors and patterns that may not be quite up to your standards, that’s okay. As long as it's not inappropriate, unsafe or unhealthy, then let your child exert some independence and have a much less stressful and confrontational parenthood.
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