Why sex just isn't sexy any more!
Being bombarded with images of sex has desensitised us - and that, says an agony aunt, has taken the fun out of it
By KAREN KRIZANOVICH
Last updated at 7:57 AM on 28th March 2011
Last updated at 7:57 AM on 28th March 2011
Recently, I was idly replying to a friend’s emailed sex problem, as you do, when I stopped right in the middle of a sentence.
Having spent more than a decade as a sex advice columnist, I was struck by a sudden realisation: sex isn’t sexy any more.
I remember sex — the subject, not the act — as daring and fun. Now? It’s just dull. Someone mentioned G-strings at a dinner party the other night and everyone nodded and continued eating. That’s not supposed to happen.
The end of an era was confirmed in Sex And The City 2 when, in a scene in the souk, Samantha’s bag falls open, spilling condoms everywhere.
Turned off: From left, Chloe Sevigny, Patsy Kensit and Courteney Cox have all said their sex lives are no longer important to them
Rather than blushing, she gets to her feet and starts preaching to the crowd about her sexual liberation.
In a single moment, that silly, tingly thread of sexiness that we’ve always seen in films, from the Carry Ons to the present day, ground to a halt.
Sex used to be saucy and forbidden —suddenly it was political and dull.
Shocking sexuality isn’t fun any more. We may read about it in a medicinal, informative or even pornographic way, but it will never be the enigmatic, turbulent hybrid it used to be, as it has been overexposed. And as one of those who helped bring this sacred act to its knees, I hang my head.
I’m not alone in finding the subject of sex more ho-hum than hot. You know something’s wrong when famous people are sick of it. Kelsey Grammer may be a bit of a ladies’ man, but his ex-wife, Camille, told him she didn’t care about sex any more and put her then husband on a 12-month holding pattern.
Courteney Cox reportedly told husband David Arquette that she was ‘over it’ and they then separated. Patsy Kensit too has said: ‘I no longer feel like a sexual being and I’m OK with that.’
Tessa Dahl (Sophie’s mother) has become a nun, saying: ‘My romantic journey now is with God. I am not remotely interested in sex.’
Ladies man: Kelsey Grammer was told by his ex-wife, Camille, that she didn't care about sex any more and put him on a 12-month holding pattern
Add to the pile actress Chloe Sevigny, who isn’t interested these days because she’s ‘more self-aware now’, and hypnotist Paul McKenna, who lives non-sexually with his ex, saying it feels ‘nice and natural’.
Have we moved to an era of asexuality where not doing it is normal? Before you say it, this isn’t about age. The attitude among teens and the elders I’ve talked to is unanimous: no one’s excited or intrigued by sex any more.
Jack, a handsome 16-year-old, shrugged and said: ‘Sex is a thing, yes. But so is music and film.’ Anna, in her 70s, smiled and said: ‘It’s nice but it’s not everything.’
What has been so powerful over millennia is now last year’s viral video: fun at the time, but we’ve seen it all before. A friend, Richard, prides himself on being ahead of this curve. He’s not asexual, he is ‘just not into it’ for myriad reasons.
‘Sex has turned into a marketing vehicle,’ he said. ‘That beautiful moment has turned into a TV ad.’
It’s so mainstream we’ve become immune. We don’t bat an eyelid at naked models selling scent or a bare Lady Gaga — the same lady who told her UK fans just last year: ‘You don’t have to have sex to feel good about yourself and if you’re not ready, don’t do it . It’s not cool any more to have sex all the time. It’s cooler to be strong and independent.’
This is not a rant about there being no boundaries. Rather, an observation of how we see the boundaries stretching away from us and how desperate we are to bring them back — not only for our lives but for that of our children.
When I was an agony aunt, a pair of ten-year-olds wrote to me, saying they were having sex and wanted advice. I still can’t get them out of my mind.
But if that was shocking, it wasn’t as bad as seeing padded bras for under-fives on sale on Oxford Street.
Sex being marketed to tweenies is wrong — and yet I see kids walking around dressed like call girls. Sex is no longer something you learn about, it is just there. We can’t blame the kids. They want to grow up and be like us. The decline of sex being sexy is down to overexposure; that which used be exciting is common parlance, with the emphasis on common.
Take Sting, once renowned for tantric sex with wife Trudie Styler. A recent interview he gave to American Harper’s Bazaar about his sex life backfired.
‘I like the theatre of sex. I like to look good,’ Sting said. ‘I like her to dress up. I like to dress her up.’ Comments online were not favourable. Back in the day, that would have been a hot interview. Now, it’s tacky and yawny.
SOLE SENSATION
The most common objects of sexual fetishism in Western society are shoes and feet
The most common objects of sexual fetishism in Western society are shoes and feet
Our own Rowan Pelling, the nation’s classiest sexual intellect, agrees the new asexuality is a symptom of overkill.
‘People want to keep sex at an enticing distance,’ she says. ‘People used to be skilful in writing about sex, but the avalanche of badly written books about it too frequently go into tedious detail. The way sex is portrayed in our culture is too often about selling a dream to people.’
Every revolution has its evolution and the sexy rampage of the last 20 years is no exception. According to Philip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, we have been sold a pup.
‘While love can deliver sex, sex can’t deliver love but this generation expects it to.’ In other words, sex didn’t give us what it promised and the guarantee’s run out.
It’s simpler than that, I think. After the hurly burly of finding a mate and getting all excited, it’s nice to potter around the house and try out a new recipe. What’s chic now is finding a balance between sleep, work, food, sex and play.
My 87-year-old mother, who has always been a smarty, says: ‘Sex is important, Karen, but no more important than everything else we care about.’
The new asexuality is all about alignment: we have nothing left to prove.
(source:dailymail.co.uk)
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