Rekindling the flame: Sex and the long-term relationship
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Once the first fires of love have cooled, life can get in the way of sex and romance in a long-term relationship. It takes work - and a plan - to make it a priority again, but it can be done.
Published 23/06/2011
ISTOCKPHOTOIf you needed proof that couples are looking for ways to bring back the spark in their relationships, look no further than your local bookshop where memoirs about re-invigorating a flagging sex life abound.
From the wife who promised her husband sex at least once a day for the next year for his 40th birthday, to the woman who gave her husband 40 beads for his 40th which could be exchanged for sex – lots of couples are sharing their schemes to rekindle the passion.
As detailed in these books, a plan and some imagination can go a long way to getting things back on track in the bedroom.
It may take some work, but the good news is you don't need to write a book about the experience to reap the rewards.
Behind the bedroom door
If either you or your partner feels unhappy with the amount of sex you are having, take heart that you're not alone.
A recently published study found that 54% of Australian men and 42% of Australian women in heterosexual relationships were unhappy with the frequency of sex in their relationship – mostly because they wanted more sex.
So why are many couples having less sex than at least one partner would like? What are the biggest hurdles to shared sexual happiness?
Experts say that the list is long and varied but some of the main factors include:
- Work and financial stress
- Lack of time to connect as a couple
- Unrealistic expectations about sex
- Demands of raising children
Stress can be a desire-killer for both men and women in relationships, whether it is stress at work, financial stress, or stress over the lack of time.
Almost 70% of respondents to a recent Relationships Australia survey nominated stress as a factor impacting on their relationship as a whole, while more than half nominated lack of time to spend together.
Relationships Australia CEO Anne Hollands says that having enough time to reconnect on an emotional and physical level is hardest for couples raising children.
In addition, women tend to carry more of the burden when it comes to child-rearing, which sets up more barriers to sex.
"If you are not able to carve out time for yourselves as a couple, you start to become discontented." says Hollonds.
"You start to notice more of the negatives in the relationship because you have not been experiencing the positives."
Additionally, Philip Armstrong, CEO of the Australian Counselling Association, says media and television are a significant cause of sexual dissatisfaction, as they can fuel unrealistic expectations about how your partner's performance or appearance.
On top of all these outside influences, our physical health can also have a major impact on our sex life – particularly as we get older.
Drug and alcohol use, poor sleeping habits and obesity can all contribute to lowered levels of desire and impaired sexual function.
Sometimes a partner's lowered desire comes from hormonal changes related to life changes such as menopause (see box). Meanwhile, chronic conditions such as diabetes and COPD can interfere with sexual performance.
When to see a GP
Depression, hormonal changes, COPD, even arthritis: there are a host of complaints that can have a detrimental effect when it comes to our sex lives.
Rather than allow them to become reasons to avoid intimacy, it is worth seeking advice and support from your GP.
Men who are experiencing impotence should seek advice, in particular, as erectile dysfunction can be linked with cardiovascular disease and diabetes.
It is also worth remembering that some prescription medicines can have an adverse effect on sexual function and levels of desire.
Pain during sex can be a problem for some women and can be due to a range of underlying problems – from a urinary tract infection to fibroids. Your GP can help pinpoint the cause.
The not-so-quick fix
Time, energy, and commitment are required to rebuild a healthy sex life, according to experts.
In particular, Hollonds says a couple needs to work together to identify the risk factors threatening their sexual relationship and build a plan to address them.
Communication is key throughout this process, and if you are having difficulty talking to your partner, Relationships Australia suggests asking yourself these three questions to identify how you can improve your communication style:
- What things cause upsets between you and you partner? Are they because you are not listening to each other?
- What things cause you disappointment and pain? What things don't you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
- How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?
Hollands, also urges couples having difficulties to consider relationship counselling – and to use it as a preventative measure, rather than a last resort.
"It's like home repairs," she says, "If you wait 20 years and haven't done it, it's a really big job. But if you have had a plan of small repairs along the way it's not so daunting."
How to get your groove back
Once you are communicating with your partner, putting the spark back into a relationship is all about having a good plan.
Planning to be intimate may not sound very romantic, but sex therapist Desiree Spierings, director of counselling practice Sexual Health Australia, says there is nothing wrong with this approach – in fact, while people expect sex to happen spontaneously, it rarely does.
Spierings suggests planning a time and place just to have sex – a sex date.
"Often when we think of a romantic date, we go to dinner or the movies first. But then when it comes to sex we are already tired, or too full," she says.
Spierings also recommends creating 'intimate opportunities' – which could be as simple as going to bed at the same time.
"The more opportunities like these, the more likely sex is going to happen," she says.
Ultimately, Spierings encourages couples to make sex a priority in their relationship and to have fun.
Here are her top tips for spicing things up in the bedroom:
- Plan a sex date: Set a time and place for just sex (nothing else).
- Create intimate opportunities: Have a bath or shower together, snuggle on the sofa, take a romantic stroll.
- Put it first on the to-do list: View it as being more important than getting the washing done, or the bills paid.
- Love yourself: Be in touch with your own sexuality and make sure you feel sexy.
- Try something new: A new position, new location, or a striptease. Be creative!
- Try something old: Think about what worked during your honeymoon phase that you haven't done for awhile.
- Foreplay all day: Flirt, flirt, flirt outside the bedroom. Send your partner a sexy text or email, whisper something nice to him while out with friends, or touch her sneakily under the table.
- Not a must do, but a want to: Don't just do it to get it over and done with. Make the most of it, and have a positive attitude.
- Have fun together: Sex can intimate or erotic, but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. If it is neither of these remember it can always be playful.
Whatever you do to bring the excitement back into the bedroom, the key message is to act as soon as you can.
"Do it while there is still goodwill to remember the good times," Hollonds says.
"If you can get to that mind frame that says this is a joint endeavour, then you are well on your way. The practical things that follow are not that hard."
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.abc.net.au/health/features/stories/2011/06/23/3189212.htm
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