Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sexuality

Sex the healer
Home Away From Home with Abi Adeboyejo, abi.adeboyejo@yahoo.com
Last Updated July 15, 2011.
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You just knew they had not just woken up from sleep. She had this glazed look in her eyes and I could tell she was avoiding looking at us directly. I do not know why she thought she had anything to be ashamed of. It was not as if she did not know what she was doing or that it was illegal, was it? In fact, I was quite pleased for her. If after 20 years of marriage my aunt and uncle could still get on like that then fair play to them.

My aunt is a very stylish woman. She dresses well and is very respectable. She has this elegance about her that just makes her stand out from the crowd. She is very dark-skinned, your true black beauty. She is the kind of person myself, my sisters and my other cousins look up to and if at 50 she still has her mojo, then what on earth is the problem with younger couples these days?

About a year ago I wrote about Nigerian couples divorcing in the UK as if divorce was going out of fashion. I have heard it is the same in Nigeria too. The reasons are all still the same, financial stress, too much family intervention, adultery by one or both parties and sometimes even childlessness.

When a match is wrong and unfixable, sometimes divorce is the best solution. Many people have been able to have successful second marriages after a disastrous first, so there is always hope for happiness for those who try.

We live in the 21st century where anyone can choose to live an independent life. In many relationships, people find it difficult to suppress the need to please ‘number one’ and consider the needs of their partners. This also leads to selfishness in other areas of a couple’s life, particularly sex life.

Our culture in Nigeria does not encourage the blatant discussion of sex among respectable people. This creates a negative connotation of the word and the act itself.

Many girls pretend to their parents that they do not know what it involves and mothers do not share their knowledge of this wonderful part of married life with their daughters. I do not know how fathers relate to their sons about sex but I am guessing that they never actually discuss the pleasures of sex either.

My parents were no exception. My mum told me that if a man should see my thighs I would get pregnant and explained issues pertaining to monthly periods. She was rather proud of herself that she ‘educated’ all of us in sex education, these two warnings being very much more than many of my friends ever got from their parents. My dad always told his brood of four daughters that we should always remember that once a man gets the milk free, he would never buy the cow. I was in SS3 before the full meaning of the saying became clear, after reading a rather raunchy Mills and Boon Harlequin book.

Without understanding the very special and unique nature of the physical act of sex itself, many people indulge in it carelessly in their youth. They always focus on the pleasure they get from the act and the instant gratification of completion. It is always about their self-centred needs, never about the needs of the other party. This works well because in most cases, pre-marital sex is illicit, so there is no need to worry about how you will feel about the other person in years to come.

I’ve attended bridal showers where girls have questioned why they should be ready to be intimate with their husbands even when they (the girls) are not in the mood. If only they knew that the actual act of sleeping with your partner is like an eraser on a pencil. Personally, I think it is a way of making so many things right. It can be a way of apologising for wrongs done, for saying ‘I love you’, of relaxing after a long day, even of keeping each other warm on a very cold night or getting a regular dose of exercise!

For unsure partners, it is a way of saying ‘what else do you want, if you’ve got all of this?’

Sex makes a woman glow, regular sex makes her beautiful. No matter how bad things are, there is always that secret smile because of what she knows.

We must start talking to young people about sex. It is not dirty or impure and neither is it going to lead them to hell. If carried out between two people joined together in the eyes of God and man, sex is a glorious experience that helps cover a multitude of flaws in both parties. Thinking about how God fashioned both the male and female parts to create such bliss in various ways makes one realise that sex is actually a spiritual act too.

It is not something to enjoy with just anyone, because it does not have the same meaning when you sleep with the wrong person. It is like opening one’s savings bank and handing out money to just anyone.

I believe that young people are exhausting all the resources God had put in them to give and receive love in a marriage well before they actually settle down with their partners. They are so focussed on what they want and how they want it that they do not make room for others. If a man has had several different partners before he gets married, he is most likely going to compare his wife’s sexual prowess against that of those other girls. They will forever be invisible participants in their love-making and sour things up in the man’s minds from time to time. If the wife is inexperienced, she can’t compete with these memories and her efforts will probably frustrate the man. Gone is the opportunity to teach each other, to delight in new discoveries and experiences.

My advice to couples with marital issues is to find some time to be alone, even if for a weekend and make love to each other as often as possible. Hopefully, all that love-making will rekindle doused flames; revive forgotten feelings and show the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it sounds very simplistic, but the best things in life are usually free and simple.

My advice to young people is to keep some for the long run. I know my aunty did, because she told me. She also told me before I got married that if I ever have a problem in my marriage that I cannot fix with sex, then I had probably married the wrong person. It was the ninth anniversary of my wedding last month and her advice has worked very well so far.
To all married couples, keep your mojo alive, people!

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