Don't post anything else until you read this!

How do you look and sound in the Internet dating scene? Don't post anything else until you read this
By Steve Mazzucchi, Illustrations by Lou Brooks,
Posted Date: 

November 16, 2010

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THE BAR SCENE IS DEAD. Long live the Web.

Need proof? Research shows that Americans now spend more than a billion dollars a year on Internet dating services. That's a lot of clicks, so it's no surprise that 20 percent of new couples claim to have found each other in the digital ether. Not only is the Internet setting up encounters, but it's speeding them up, too: Prescreening dating partners evidently helps guys out so much that a third of female online daters have sex on the first date

But in spite of all this potential for romantic success, a staggering 97 percent of men give up the game after 3 months. "They quit before figuring it out," says Scott Valdez, head of Virtual Dating Assistants, a company that helps users perfect their online profiles. "So a very small percentage of men are seeing all the results." By that, of course, he means that the other 3 percent of guys are scoring all the hot dates. But here's the good news: With the right photos, profile, search parameters, and messages, you can be one of those men. Use our tips, culled from the vast troves of data at key online matchmaking sites, to turn your virtual profile into a virtual shoo-in.

1. Picture yourself perfectly
We like to think that women are not as shallow as we are, but that doesn't mean they're blind. "The vast majority of online daters, women included, look at profile photos to decide whether to read your message," says online dating coach Laurie Davis, founder of eFlirt Expert.

Go with your best face. Use OkCupid's My Best Face application, which lets you upload photos for the free dating site's members to vote on. Use their input to select your top four to seven shots. "You're only as good as your worst photo," Valdez notes. That applies to picture quality, too; high-quality images outrank cellphone photos of the same people.

Make a scene. According to OkCupid's research, the strongest photos of men are ones in which they're doing something interesting while neither smiling nor looking at the camera. And choose a noteworthy environment for your shot. "My boyfriend and I met on JDate, and his picture was taken in front of a Jackson Pollock painting I like," says Carly, 27. "That really piqued my interest."

2. Tell her some stories

Dating sites are clogged with men who pile on the adjectives, likes, and dislikes. But women respond more to stories, images, and emotions. So to stand out . . .

Be anecdotal. That's the advice of Kate Houston, an advertising copywriter who runs the profile-writing service trysweettalk.com. She penned this for a musician client: "When I was a boy, I picked up the trumpet and played Louis Armstrong's 'What a Wonderful World.' It made my mom cry. I was that bad. Today I play trumpet for a living." See?

Be specific. Dan Abelon, cofounder and president of SpeedDate.com, suggests hinting at your itinerary on nights out. "Write, 'On weekends I like to hang out at Crobar,' instead of 'I enjoy clubbing on the weekends,' " he says. "It's an instant icebreaker, especially if the woman shares this experience."

Be genuine. Don't kid yourself into thinking women are any less crafty than you are. "The first thing a woman does is Google you to get a fuller sense of who you are," says Eva Ritvo, M.D., a psychiatrist and relationship expert. "If your Facebook and Match.com profiles aren't consistent, she's gone." Speaking of which, women also play the profile-cooking game: A University of Chicago/MIT study found that the average female online dater says she weighs less than the average U.S. woman of the same age. The discrepancy is about 6 pounds for women in their 20s, 18 pounds for women in their 30s, and 19 pounds for women in their 40s. Women who post photos taken from odd angles or ones that focus on a single area of their body, like cleavage, tend also to be less than forthcoming about certain details, Dr. Ritvo says.

Be brief. A 2007 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that online daters tend to fill gaps in their own profiles with details that they think will attract their desired mate. So keep it pithy, lest you misrepresent yourself. "Your write-up should be like a woman's skirt--long enough to cover the essentials, short enough to be interesting," says Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a psychologist and creator of the compatibility test at AreWeGoodTogether.com.

3. Game the system

There are three big reasons to regularly switch up your photos and info. First, the various shades of your profile will appeal to different types of women. Second, an update may give you a second shot with a woman who didn't previously write back. "You might look like a totally new guy, and she'll be attracted to you," Davis says.

But the third reason to regularly refresh your profile is the most important one: It games the system. Every time you update your profile, it climbs back to the front page of female users' browsing results. "We started doing this, and our clients received four times as many 'winks,'" Valdez says. "It's like being on the top of a Google search." Making little changes may seem tedious, but attracting eyes to your profile is huge. Virtual Dating Assistants found that messages sent to women who'd simply viewed a client's profile were 78 percent more likely to draw a response.

4. Redefine what's "hot"

Any woman you're aching to hear from has probably caught the eye of every other guy within a few zip codes, says Davis. Need proof? OkCupid found that two-thirds of male messages went to the best-looking third of women, who also happened to be the least likely to write back. Chase a few more 7s-- who may be 10s in person anyway--and your response rates will rise. Also, lift the age barrier. "Two-thirds of men on our site don't search for women older than they are, whereas a 35-year-old woman will range from, say, 30 to 50, so there's a lot of opportunity," says OkCupid CEO Sam Yagan.

The most popular sites with our experts were Match.com, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, JDate, and eHarmony. Valdez says eHarmony is the best for dating out of your league-- women trust the site's compatibility metrics. But you can expand past dating sites altogether. "There are a zillion women on Facebook, and they're not necessarily looking for guys there, so you're not competing with other men," says Jordan Harbinger, cofounder of the Art of Charm, a service that helps men improve their social and dating skills. "If you have mutual friends, ask for an intro."

5. Message better: The don'ts
Perhaps the biggest gaffe you can commit on a dating site is to ape netspeak. "I hate misspellings and when guys use 'LOL' and things like that," says Olivia, 30. OkCupid's research findings agree. References to looks--"sexy," "beautiful"--can cut response rates by at least 10 percent. Shorthand like "U," "R," and "LUV" can decrease them by as much as 25 percent. "'U R sexy' is probably the worst thing you can write," says Yagan. "Girls don't want to date dumb dudes."

Don't just "wink." "As tempting as it is, winking says basically that you're lazy and just not that into her," Davis says. "You need to write a note. Also, don't combine a wink and a message. It's like writing in all caps."

Don't prowl late. "We all know what you're looking for at 11 o'clock at night," Dr. Ritvo says. "It's the Internet equivalent of a drunk text."

6. Message better: The do's

What you really should be doing online is playing the numbers. Andrew Fiore, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Michigan State University, found in one study that the best predictor of how many messages people receive is how many they send. Women may not respond for numerous reasons, but you can't take a lack of response personally or lose confidence. "Maintain the mentality that every woman will write back," adds Valdez. "You're a selector, you're fighting off women. You're not writing 'hope to hear from you' but rather 'talk to you soon.' "

Check her activity level. As alluring as they may be, beauties who haven't logged in for weeks should be avoided--you'll receive the best response from regular users. Virtual Dating Assistants found that messages sent to women who were "Online Now" yielded 60 percent more responses than did e-mails to women who'd last logged in 1 to 3 weeks prior. Women who hadn't been on the site for 3 weeks or longer didn't respond at all.

Master the details. Women constantly see subject lines like "hey there," so 2 seconds of extra effort can give you an edge. "Say her profile says, 'I make the best lasagna,' " says Davis. "Your subject could be 'Battle of the Lasagnas.' " The message itself should be brief--a few sentences referring to her profile and embedding a question to elicit a response, says Russ Ruggles, creator of onlinedatingmatchmaker.com.

Seal the deal

Once you've received a response or two, you're more than halfway to a date. Focus on keeping things light and funny; within three notes, angle for a meeting. The key word is "meeting," not "date." Casually invite her to something you're already planning on doing, like heading to a comedy show. "This way she gets a window into your world, there's less pressure for the 'date' to go well, and if she flakes, you're still going to have fun," says Harbinger. Of course, no matter how things go, you're still miles ahead of that guy at the bar.

What kinds of e-sex turn her on the most? 

Women tell us how they most like to fool around online

0=LOL! -- 10 = CLICK!

CHECKING OUT PORN:  6

SEXTING MY PARTNER:  8

SENDING HIM PHOTOS:  6.5

POSTING PHOTOS ONLINE:  3

SCANNING CRAIGSLIST ADS:  3

POSTING CRAIGSLIST ADS:  2

POSTING SEXY PICS ON FB:  3

READING SEX BLOGS:  6

FLIRTING WITH STRANGERS:  4.5

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