Sex Education
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DEAR SUSAN: Sex is a personal thing, and people must find their own level of comfort. One woman on the panel you took part in seemed to believe that sex education is sex invitation. I wonder where her parents were when she was 5 or 6 and asked where she came from. Did they answer "Canton, Ohio"? Somehow I doubt it. I also doubt that they answered her question directly. And if they were ultraconservative, when she was in puberty they probably told her not to have sex until she married. She would probably be confused and uncomfortable with their advice and have to bring that confusion into her adult life. People in your position have an obligation to set her thinking straight, Susan. Thanks for being there. — Howard Mirsky, editor of STD Spotlight
DEAR HOWARD: Sex being a wide continuum of personal feelings, perhaps the most personal of all needs, we all have the privilege of constructing our own moral sense. That morality is an amalgam gleaned from experience, and I wouldn't dare tamper with it. Morality may shift as our lives move into different stages, not a fixed star. As our relationships reflect different personal truths, our take on sexuality may deepen. Caring may become the sole requisite for sharing our love. Then again, the communion between souls can be expressed in different forms, sex being only one. Age need not dissipate the drive for sexual pleasure; it can be with us until the very last day. Openness of mind is far more important to sexual pleasure than any other ingredient. Actually, the mind is our biggest (and most potent) sex organ. A stray thought has made (and unmade) many an erotic union. The mind dictates; the flesh merely follows. But I digress. Making sense with — being comfortable with — our own sexuality may be the most challenging part of singleness.
DEAR SUSAN: Oh, good grief! It's as if all guys are buff, virile alpha males looking for alpha females — and if you're not skinny, beautiful or whatever, no one will ever consider you. That is such bunk. I can agree that if you don't take care of yourself, your chances of snagging a Calvin Klein underwear model are slim to none at all. (Still, there are some hot chubby chasers; don't doubt it.) Some of the happiest people I know aren't at all skinny. My own neighbors aren't skinny, and they both have speech impediments — but still they're married and very happy. (Hmm. How can that be?) Most marrieds I know aren't fashion models by any stretch and NEVER were. But I believe there's someone for each of us, no matter what. You just have to play in your own league. The worst horror story is the guy who thinks he's going to get a girl who looks like a Victoria's Secret model even though he's a big jobless slob living in his mother's basement. When it comes to the person you choose to date, take a look at yourself and adjust your standards accordingly. If you want to spend Saturday night pigging out on Ben & Jerry's, never exercising, I suggest you look for someone like yourself.
DEAR BLOGGER: Like to like, belly to belly. The parade of obesity goes on, usually with people mindless of their own appearance and what they did to get that way. The figures (no pun intended) show that nearly two-thirds of Americans are obese, overweight or morbidly obese. And the food industry continues to offer double-sized everything, plates overflowing with empty calories designed to impart that "full" feeling purportedly to bring inner peace and contentment. And the foods get cheaper by the day. Oh, don't get me started on the food advertising splashed everywhere, meant to raise the appetite at all hours of the day and night. Pretty soon, the anorexic models will be out of a job or forced to gobble up night and day to fit into the new lines of larger sizes being rushed to market from the ever-designing apparel industry. Even brides, on their most wonderful day, are simply bursting out of their plus-size wedding dresses. Not an appetizing sight. It's just not sexy to have fat rolls and hanging arms. Sorry, fat acceptance group, but this isn't a healthy trend to accept.
DEAR SUSAN: It never fails. As soon as a guy points out some legitimate concerns about the male-bashing mentality out there, a member of the hostile sisterhood wastes no time deriding him as a bitter, self-absorbed loser. Well, what about the "all men are dogs/rapists" mentality? Seems to me that kind of thinking is mainstream, but God forbid a guy stand up for himself and speak out against it! It seems to be a one-way street; you can bash men all you want, but the minute one stands up for himself, all hell breaks loose. If one accepts the fact that our intrepid blogger Jack is bitter (and I don't), let me ask you: Was he born bitter? Did he become bitter overnight? Or is he naturally discouraged by what he sees as a dating situation seemingly set up to hose him (and most other guys) at every turn? I know that there are no guarantees in any of this, that one can swim upstream and fight uphill only so long before recognizing that it's an exercise in futility. Finally, for those who suggest that guys should stop viewing women as money-hungry, manipulative vixens, I think it's only fair to suggest that women stop viewing guys as irresponsible, game-playing, womanizing, beer-swilling hillbillies. Generalizations go both ways. — From the Internet
DEAR BLOGGER: Which is why two steps backward from dating is my favorite dance move. The whole concept of "dating" is so yesterday. The young 'uns, 18 to 22 or so, have replaced the awkward, strained one-on-one "date" with plural socializing (lots of mingling instead of singling). Relating among them is on the casual side, plenty of smiling and casual talk. In my mind, it sure beats the tense, uptight, forced mis-communication of the first few "dates." Without question, dating — for both genders — is absurd, high-cost (in time, as well as financially) and usually a big disappointment. Jack is a bitter man, part of it the result of his own choices, yes, but some of it the scars of the game itself. There are no rules in the dating world. It's everyone for himself. The gullible better beware. My advice? No formal "dating" until you're quite certain this is a real possibility. Fewer candlelight dinners, lots of daylight togetherness. More afternoon walks, minimum number of long talks. Works for me.
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