Confronting sex monsters
LOUISE RISK
SUPPLIED
Dr Pamela Stephenson-Connolly
People
Dr Pamela Stephenson-Connolly has a sexy beastie in her life.
She knows he's no cuddly toy, and she must retain a healthy respect for him.
"Despite the fact that I'm a knowledgeable sexuality professional, he can leap out unexpectedly."
Now, you could be forgiven for thinking Auckland-born Stephenson-Connolly is writing about her famous comedian husband Billy, but she's not.
Her "beastie" is an inner monster; and she says whether you know it or not, you have one, too.
Stephenson-Connolly has been in New Zealand this week promoting her latest book, Sex Life, How Our Sexual Experiences Define Who We Are, and she hopes it will help Kiwis from every walk of life to confront their own sex monsters.
Monsters such as those that make us lose sleep, pursue relationships with unsuitable people and get into all sorts of other trouble.
She says societal and family restraints have damaged the way people approach the subject of sex, and healthy change is needed to rectify this.
How comfortable are you with saying words like clitoris, ejaculating and vulva in everyday conversation?
They are words many of us would stumble over, but Stephenson-Connolly has no qualms about using these, or similar words, in real life or in her book, and she makes no apologies for it either.
"When people mention the nebulous area of "down there" it gives me a fairly good idea of what their upbringing has been like.
"People who have grown up with the idea that sex is unmentionable will find it more difficult to express themselves sexually in their adulthood," she says.
Sex Life explores the concept that people are sexual beings from before birth to the grave and is packed full of first-hand accounts from hundreds of Kiwis, Australians, Americans and Brits to support this notion.
Stephenson-Connolly knew discussing children and sex was "very delicate" and talking about "elder sex" would make some readers squirm, but she believes healthy messages about sex are important at every age, and that it is time for people to adjust their way of thinking and their way of talking.
"I wanted to show sex is a life-long activity, not just something that happens when people are about 20 to 45.
"People can be enjoying sex until the day they die," she says.
Stephenson-Connolly is a sexologist and clinical psychologist who has been a psychotherapist for 17 years, but says even she was surprised by some of the responses she got from the questionnaires and personal interviews she conducted during the 18 months she spent writing.
One thing that stood out to her was the determination of disabled and seriously ill people to explore or maintain their sexuality and sex lives.
"They were people who really went out of their way to fight for their sexuality."
Stephenson-Connolly said her research was strictly anonymous to help ensure the participants were uninhibited and therefore gave completely honest answers.
Straight, gay, bisexual and transgendered people all contributed to the pages as did people from the most liberal to the highly conservative.
People spoke (or wrote) honestly to Stephenson-Connolly about desires and fantasies they have, abuse they have suffered, secrets they have kept, rules they have broken and more.
Stephenson-Connolly hopes Kiwis across New Zealand will read Sex Life and learn from it, rather than getting put off by preconceived notions of what this book might contain, or whether it is suitable.
She hopes the people who might benefit most from reading it are not the ones who avoid it.
"I've tried to write it for everybody - conservative or liberal."
With sex and all the pleasure and monsters that go with it being the focus of Stephenson-Connolly's work, it is easy to imagine that the lines between her work and play could be a bit blurred.
But while she openly admits she personally has a good sex life, her life is about much more than just sex.
Even over the phone, it is easy to tell Stephenson-Connolly is as disciplined as she is motivated.
Take this week in New Zealand for example.
Stephenson-Connolly was born in Auckland, and despite moving to Sydney when she was four years old, she still has a lot of family here, and some of her best childhood memories are of playing at the beach, fishing and during family holidays.
"I went to school in Australia, but I loved coming back to Takapuna for holidays," she says.
"It was a sleepy little suburb in those days."
But because she is here for work, she has had to limit seeing her family to one weekend, and instead focus on promoting her book.
"I get more time to see them when I'm here for a holiday," she says.
Stephenson-Connolly has also developed a love for dancing since appearing on the British television show Strictly Come Dancing, a show similar to New Zealand's Dancing with the Stars.
She says she surprised herself, and everyone else, by making it to the final and eventually placing third in the competition.
"I had a great time, I really enjoyed it."
Indeed, her fit and healthy looking physique combined with her long blonde hair helps Stephenson-Connolly to belie her 61 years.
As for getting her husband on the dance floor, Stephenson-Connolly says it's on the cards.
"He can jive so we do that a bit. I'm hoping that he will do a bit of tango."
But first the busy couple will have to find time in the same city.
"He's currently working in LA.
"We've been together for a long time now, and we respect each other's work, so we're very relaxed about being apart.
Stephenson-Connolly says now that their children - Jamie and Cara from Connolly's first marriage, and then daughters Daisy, Amy and Scarlett together - are older they have more freedom in deciding where and when to travel.
You might think it would be easy for Stephenson-Connolly, as a leading sex therapist, to say all the right things to her own children about sex but she admits it is not always easy, and that no parent will get it right every time.
"I'm not perfect, no parent is. I've always aimed to be an 'askable' parent.
"I think questions should always be answered honestly in an age-appropriate and non-judgment manner."
For Stephenson-Connolly, answering her now-adult family's questions is fine, it is when she feels she has potentially over-stepped the mark by volunteering unsolicited information about her own sexuality that she worries.
That is, she worries when her sexy beastie makes her say something her measured-self might not.
Stephenson-Connolly has years of training and professional experience to help her bring her beast under control, but as she wrote in her book, this may never be possible.
"He may not be completely tameable, but he can learn to stay off the furniture and do some fabulous tricks."
As far as controlling your own sex beast goes, Stephenson-Connolly has some useful words of wisdom.
"If it's safe, sane and consensual, it's OK."
- Waikato Times
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stuff.co.nz/waikato-times/life-style/people/5166030/Confronting-sex-monsters
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